How I Forgave Myself After My Divorce
It was not easy getting here. After my divorce.
In 2015, I married a man whom God clearly told me not to marry, but I ignored Him and chose to go through with it anyway. I embarked on this journey fully expecting the worst but still hoping for the best. Needless to say, the worst is what I got because less than one year later, I would be moving my things out of the home we shared, back to my family home (and eventually, out of the country).
In December of 2016, I ended up in Dallas, Texas, completely ill-prepared to face the consequences of the choice I had just made. Still grieving the loss of my only brother mere months before, my mental and emotional health were in absolute shambles. Battling a myriad of emotions ranging from depression and anger to pain and frustration, I was holding it together to the best of my abilities—save for the unforgiveness I felt, mostly towards myself. God did warn me, after all, so I had nobody but myself to blame for the mess I had made of my life. Here I was at 36 years old having to navigate the lonely road of beginning again in a foreign country with little resources to help me cope in this uncomfortable new path.
How was I ever going to forgive myself?
When would I fully heal from it all?
Talking to God was not an option… because what would I even say? I searched unsuccessfully for words that could adequately convey the level of repentance I felt for my disobedience. And so days turned to weeks. Weeks turned to months. Before I knew it, 3 years would pass but I would be no closer to forgiving myself—yet somehow I managed to bury the emotions that too often threatened to erode my sanity.
In 2018 I started a blog. It was my outlet to cope more with my brother’s death but also my attempt to finally start healing from the pain of my failed marriage. In those early blog posts, I shared my story of grief and brokenness. It offered little help at first, but still I kept at it. Nothing else had worked up to that point so I continued to share my story until one fateful afternoon in October of 2020, during Covid-19, when I finally reached my breaking point.
With the rest of my family out for the day, the streams of tears freely flowed from the burst taps that were my eyes. I screamed at God as I sobbed, demanding to know why He had not forgiven me after all this time. Surely, I had suffered enough and He knew how sorry I was… so why did I still hate myself and why did it feel like I was still being punished? Plus, I was still mad at Him for letting my brother die.
I was a discombobulated mess but was way past caring by this point. I could no longer run and hide from God and had grown tired and weary from years of thinking I could. After what seemed like hours of crying, I finally gave Him back full control of my life following my sincere repentance for ever disobeying Him. Now quietly sobbing, I promised to follow Him if He would have me back the way the prodigal son was welcomed home after years of living in sin.
Slowly but surely, I saw God at work in my life—putting back my shattered pieces and lovingly guiding me out of the darkness that had enveloped me for so long. Accepting His forgiveness finally made room for me to forgive myself as well as my ex. God would soon use a dear friend all the way in Canada to prove that He still had a plan and purpose for my life that would keep me on the path of my total restoration to Him. YouTube sermons from wise, godly pastors accelerated my healing, with the discovery of several books and uplifting inspirational songs to aid the process.
God began speaking to me in my dreams and the more time I spent getting to know Him, the more I learned to recognize His voice. Two years have now gone by and as I look back on my journey, I am thankful for a God that did not abandon or reject me when I came to Him with all my mess. He was neither intimidated by my anger nor any of the accusations I threw at Him; instead He turned my mourning into dancing, and this is the testimony of how I was able to forgive myself after my divorce.
I invite anyone going through the same struggles of unforgiveness, loss or grief to give it all to God then step aside and allow Him work.
Proverbs 8:35 says,
For whoever finds me finds life
And receives favor from the Lord.
But those who miss me injure themselves.
I pray that you will allow yourself to receive the grace that is freely available to you in Christ Jesus and therefore give that same grace to yourself. God loves you more than you know.
No matter what you're going through, you're not alone. Access helpful resources and learn more about our support groups, including DivorceCare, here.